Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just high enough for therapy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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