The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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