Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
