She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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