So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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