If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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