woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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