I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
