The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Enjoy the penises
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize