3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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