The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
