That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
