where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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