you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
