If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
