Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
