if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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