after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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