I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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