well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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