you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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