i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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