she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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