Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
