My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he shaved USA in his pubs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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