the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
