Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
