STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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