I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just had sex on a roof
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
