My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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