i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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