I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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