My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
