The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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