Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
