I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
