the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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