My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Slut skills are useful in every country.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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