From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Terrible idea I love it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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