Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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