this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
