im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
