why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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