There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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