It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
