Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
