The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
