areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
