capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
