Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
ttyl tear gas
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
