There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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