my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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