I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
