God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
