I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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