i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
